Good and Bad

The Tao Te Ching is a fascinating book.  Every time I read it, I am amazed at the complex yet simple look at our existence.  Before I started reading the Tao, I would tend to make a big deal out of everything.  Emotions controlled much of my thoughts and my actions would follow along.  

The Tao provides such an interesting look at life that I no longer get over-excited about things.  The paradoxical look at life leaves me realizing that there is good in everything and bad in everything at the same time.  

A friend of mine got a big promotion about a year ago.  He was very excited and we celebrated his achievement.  Over the next year, however, the company shifted its focus and his department was reduced significantly.  He ended up losing his job, but those in his old position remained with the company.  After losing his job, he found another in a field that he really wanted to work in and it ended up paying more and being more rewarding than the first.  

In this situation was the promotion a good thing or a bad thing?  Was the layoff a good thing or a bad thing?  In the moment it would have been easy for him to answer, but over time it became confusing.  The reality is that the full system is both good and bad but we try to see the small sections of our life system and make judgments.  

I have found that all of life is similar to the previous story.  There isn’t anything good without the seed of bad in it and there isn’t anything bad without the seed of good in it.  Previously I would spend all my time determining how I felt about something.  Over time I have come to understand that it doesn’t matter how I judge something or someone, because both good and bad always coexist.  We cannot have one without the other.  

Instead of trying to judge everyone and everything in our lives, we should try to understand that things aren’t really good or bad.  Good and bad are judgments that, in no way, affect the reality that things just are. 

Winning the lottery sounds like it would only be good, but too often we hear of lottery winners that are more miserable after winning than before.  Working out every day might seem to be a pain, but the rewards will likely be much greater in the longer term.  Getting a promotion usually means success but it also means that you will likely have more responsibility; you may have to manage more employees, and might have to work longer hours.  

The best thing about understanding this principle is that you can finally choose how to view something.  You will see everything for what it is.  No longer will your mind try to ignore aspects in order to convince you that it is good or bad.  You will always see the success with the failure, the stress and the relaxation, the hard work along with laziness.  This will allow you to gain control of your emotions because you will always realize that whatever happens, good and bad will be a part of it and you can’t separate the two quite the way we think.  Instead we understand that everything just is.  The full system will never be truly revealed so judging sections of it is fruitless.  

Reframe Your Comparisons

Many times, during our lives, things will change around us. We will have to adapt. It is thrust upon us.

This could be an unexpected job change. It could be the loss of a loved one. It could be ending of a relationship. Recently it has been social unrest and the COVID pandemic.

We can’t compare before and after. It is tempting. It is easy to look back a year and see how different things were. We see the joy that is now missing.

But that won’t make anything better. Sure, misery loves company. You may get some likes if you post something on Facebook. But that won’t improve your situation.

Instead we have to learn how to reframe our comparisons. We have to learn to see the positive and opportunity instead of the longing or devastation. We have to find the new normal.

It takes time. We have to work to transition to a new frame of mind. It isn’t about thinking happy thoughts, it is about changing how we think about our daily lives. It is about how we change our behaviors, habits, routines, and structures.

Instead of thinking of what could have been, we should look at what could be in the future. What opportunities open up? What can we grab on to so we can experience something new?

We should ask ourselves how we can improve from the current situation. We can’t dwell on how awful it is. That won’t fix anything. That will only get you to wallow in self-pity.

We also have to learn to take a step back. Seeing the situation from 10,000 feet, as they say, provides us with a different look. We can see the high level systems, rather than the symptoms of those systems.

Instead of seeing the pandemic shatter our travel plans, we can see that the world is grappling with something unprecedented. How we handle this situation now and in the next few years will shape mankind.

Doing what we can to maintain our health is crucial. But that shouldn’t be something new. We shouldn’t have just recently started washing our hands. This should be a habit that you have already developed so you can now rely on that habit to help keep you healthy.

We should always be focusing on improving our health. We should make healthy eating and exercise the norm. We should already wash our hands. We should do what we can to remain healthy, without avoiding life.

We can’t control much in the current state, but we can make lasting changes for tomorrow. We can build new habits. We can look at redesigning the structures in our lives. We can adjust how we look at our life. We can grow our ability to respond to new threats.

When change happens, it often seems unfair. We don’t want to accept that life is different. But it is. And we have to learn how to adjust. We can’t wallow in self-pity. We have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and then figure out a positive way forward.