Self-Deceit or Self-Discipline

What do you want? No, really, what do you want? In life, we all seem to wander aimlessly. We have talent and ambitions but often we get stuck doing what we are used to doing.

We follow pre-established habit. The behavior patterns in our life become a familiar refrain. We do them over and over.

Because of this, many times we fall into a rut. We have routine, but that routine wasn’t deliberate. It developed because we kept making the same non-choice.

By not making a choice we assume we are free. We can’t make up our mind. So, we just keep breathing. We keep going through the motions.

The other day I was talking to a friend who has a teenage son. His son doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. One moment he talks about starting a business. Then he says he wants to go to college. Then he says he wants to take time off to travel.

My friend is frustrated. He assumes he knows the path that his son should take. But his son doesn’t listen.

As I drove home after our conversation I kept thinking about my daughters. I tried to think about myself in his situation.

The first thing I thought of was that I was that stubborn, naïve teenager. My parents gave me incredible advice and guidance. Yet, I didn’t listen to anything they said.

It wasn’t because I knew what I wanted. I only knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to commit to the wrong path. So, I didn’t commit at all.

I started to think about having a similar conversation with my daughter. I would tell her to make up her mind. I would tell her what to do. But after that fell on deaf ears, I would probably recall my younger self and realize it isn’t my decision at all.

Sometimes we have to fall. Sometimes we have to fail. Sometimes we have to wander aimlessly.

But the key isn’t to develop routine by non-choice. We can’t just say the decision is hard so we aren’t going to make one. That means that the choice is being made for us.

We are deceiving ourself when we think by not making a decision we are better off. By not committing we aren’t remaining free to choose, we are allowing the choice to be made without our input.

So, if we don’t know the right decision, and we can’t skip making a decision, what are we to do? Life’s important decisions need attention, not avoidance.

Therefore, I have found that the best tactic is to develop a plan. Do the hard work of thinking it through. Research your options. Sure, they might all be horrible options but at least they are yours to choose.

Then, make a choice. Be disciplined enough to force yourself to decide. Then follow the plan. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It certainly won’t go as planned, but at least you will start to make progress.

While this sounds like a horrible attempt to make a rash decision and move forward regardless of the consequences, it comes with a caveat.

The caveat is that once you made the decision and start to move forward, be willing to change the plan. This doesn’t mean jumping from one feeble attempt to another.

It means that we can start over and do the hard work to think through our options. We can develop contingencies. We can learn from our actions.

The progress that we made means that this decision will be better informed. We know more now than we did. We can make a better decision now.

This is a great way to go through life. It might be that once we start on the plan, we realize we made the perfect choice. Everything falls into place. Unfortunately, that is rare.

What is common is that we start out on a path and realize we need to change. Something about it is not right. But instead of quitting and then going through the same pattern of non-decision, we do the work to rethink our situation. We take control of our life.

Then we make the best choice for us among all our options. We form a plan and adjust our behavior to fit the new plan.

It may be that we realize that the only way to get what we want is to push through the current discomfort. We may need to pay our dues a bit. We may need to work our way up.

If we realize this, at least we are already further along than when we started. At least we started to make progress. At least we learned something. Then we can decide to put our head down and keep going or adjust course.

It seems like this is the normal path that we all take but it isn’t. Too often people choose non-decision. Then it becomes a pattern. Then they realize they are off course. Instead of recalibrating and adjusting, they choose non-action again.

When we go through that pattern, we are deceiving ourselves. When we force ourself to do the hard work and make a decision, we are being disciplined. Always choose self-discipline over self-deceit. True freedom comes from making decisions. It comes from being self-disciplined. It comes from willingness to make progress. It comes from being willing to change when necessary. It helps avoid the pattern of non-decision that always leads us away from freedom.