Empathy comes from windows to other parts of the system

It seems in our world today empathy is not promoted. Instead we get messages of hatred, unfairness, and threat.

We see it on the news reports of violence. We hear it in the political speeches about the evils of the opposing party. We experience in the cut-throat work environments where everyone tries to better themselves. It grabs our attention from the constant shouting of marketing messages. These all seem to be void of empathy.

Empathy seems to take a back seat. In our world we seem to be getting more separated from others who are different from us. Look at the social unrest in the U.S. to see what happens when people fall on different parts of larger systems. When we can't put ourselves in other's shoes friction emerges.

In Seeing Systems by Barry Oshry, the author says about systems, “Generally, if we are paying attention, we know what life is like for us in our part of the system. Other parts of the system are, for the most part, invisible to us. We do not know what others are experiencing, what their worlds are like, what issues they are dealing with, what dilemmas they are facing, what stresses they are undergoing. To make matters worse, sometimes we think we know when in fact we do not. We have our beliefs, myths, and prejudices, which we accept as the truth and which become the bases of our actions. This blindness to other parts of the system – which we call spatial blindness – is a source of considerable misunderstanding, conflict, and diminished system contribution.”

Being blind to major parts of the system means we don’t have a full understanding of the system. Since we are part of the system and not observing from the outside, it biases our thinking.

When we are blind to another’s perspective, we lose the empathy needed in our world today. We can’t relate. We can’t understand. We create our own narrative to account for what we don’t know.

If you want to better understand systems thinking, you have to learn how to place yourself in the shoes of another. It sounds easy. But it is rarely done.

The reason is simple. We have been conditioned from our perspective in the system to see everything a certain way. In fact, it goes deeper than our thinking. We have been conditioned to feel things a certain way.

So, when we pull up the news site that promotes the opposition political party our blood pressure rises and our mind races to spot all the inaccuracies. We see arguments against the information. Yet looking at articles written from the perspective of our party, we don’t have the same rise in emotion. Instead our emotions align with the author and we come to agreement in our mind.

If you want to be a better systems thinker, learn how to switch sides. Don’t fall back on your existing point of view. Change your mind. If you try, you will feel the difficulties in jumping to another side of the system. Your emotions and mind will resist. That resistance is the reason we don’t have enough empathy in our world today.

I’m not saying this from the perspective of someone who can always jump around in the system and see other’s perspectives. I can’t. But I do know that I am blind, which allows me to relax my defenses and at least know that I am not seeing the full system.

A few times in my life I was able to jump to another perspective. Both times have remained active in my memory because they felt so jarring at the time.

The first was back around the year 2001. I took a class with a professor who told us to form our opinion of the death penalty. Then she forced us to start to see the other side. She presented facts. She gave accounts from those on each side.

It took a little while but my viewpoint shifted. I started to see contradictions in my opinion. I acquired new information. My mind kept fighting to “prove” my viewpoint correct but it couldn’t. Soon I realized that I no longer held the same beliefs.

The other time this happened to a great degree was when I read the book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I started reading and found myself arguing with the author in my mind.

I didn’t agree with what was being said. It was counter to everything I knew about life. After a few pages, I realized what I was doing.

I decided to try something. I convinced myself to read the book from a different perspective. Instead of reading to validate my beliefs and add to my perspective, I read it with an open mind.

I told myself that I would read it as if it is true and I have to find ways to prove it true, instead of looking for ways to prove it false.

As I read, I kept having the emotional pull to argue. I kept say, “Yeah but…” I kept wondering how it was true.

Over time I started to change how I read the book. It changed how I feel about various scenarios.

At one point I recall being with my girlfriend at the time (who later became my wife). We were relaxing by a pool in the hot July sun. Something came up and we started to disagree.

It wasn’t a heated argument but would usually cause us stress and frustration with the other person.

I thought about the book. I realized that the advice from the book would have been to adopt her perspective. Not as a ploy to win the argument but to move to her side.

It was difficult but I started to realize that she cared for me, so this wasn’t a way to cause me frustration. She had to somehow believe her side was right.

So, I fought my mind and my perspective. I kept telling myself that I was wrong. I kept saying that she was right. I found a few points that proved her right.

I started to shift my perspective. I realized I was defensive about the topic. I saw why she was right.

That didn’t prove me wrong. I knew how a complex system could have two opposing views that are both right. Both sides are correct. Because both sides had valid points and invalid points. Both were actually right and wrong.

I remember, following this quick shift in my perspective, that I suddenly changed my tone. I knew the ways she was right. I stopped arguing and instead validated her perspective. I explained how I came to my opinion but from the standpoint that I was explaining why I came to the wrong viewpoint.

The argument suddenly ended. She put down her defenses and started to understand my perspective as well. This aligned perfectly with what the book explained would happen. By changing sides, the disagreement immediately ends. Not as a ploy to win, not to give up, but to actually change your side.

To me that is empathy. That is what is missing in the world today. Whether it is the social unrest and topic of racism or the political fighting that constantly overtakes the news stories. We do everything possible to strengthen our point of view and further bias us towards the other parts of the system. We stop seeing the full system and focus on our part of the system.

But the world will become a much better place if you can use systems thinking to better understand the full system. You will get a sense of why people feel as they do. You will be able to see the full system when looking to make positive change.