Being Direct Without Being a Jerk

I recently took an interesting personality assessment. It provided great insights into my personality and traits that I can leverage for success.

Afterwards, it created lively discussion with those of us involved in the assessment. We talked through various factors. I felt that the discussion provided as much, or more, value than the assessment.

One theme that came up resonated with the group. It was the idea of being direct and blunt with our words.

Many leaders and strong personality types point to their blunt communication style as a strength. They say that they cut right to the point and never mince words. They tell you what you need to hear, even if painful.

As we discussed, it was clear that being able to provide direct feedback was a strength. Most leaders are great at cutting to the point without a bunch of fluff that confuses the listener.

But then someone made a great point. They said that many people that are complete jerks, actually think they are being direct. They emphasized that this is different.

It isn’t about being rude others. I’ve met people who felt pride at the fact that they could tell someone off at any moment. They said others aren’t tough enough to handle the truth. They epitomized being a jerk and thought others were soft if they disagreed.

This is different than being direct. Often, I would hear the jerk leader tear into someone, often unjustly. They would attack them personally and go on and on about their shortcomings.

If someone was upset by it, the jerk leader would criticize even more and say they just can’t handle truthful feedback. But this wasn’t truthful feedback. It was being a jerk. There is a difference. The point wasn’t to find the issues and then address them. It was for the jerk leader to parade around flaunting their power and willingness to be a jerk.

When you evaluated the conversation, you realize they weren’t being direct. They didn’t get to the point. Instead, they wanted to keep piling on and overgeneralize their feedback to attack the individual instead of the situation.

So, understand that there is a major difference here. Being a jerk isn’t productive and constructive. Being direct is. Ripping someone a new one isn’t helpful. It is a personalized attack for the sake of hurting someone, not improving something.

Jocko Willink explains this in his book, Leadership Strategy and Tactics. He says, “But remember, even with hard truths in the form of individual criticism, truth is not an excuse to show bad tact; in fact, hard truths require more tact. If you have a good relationship with your subordinate, and they know you care about them, hard truths should be similar to the natural conversations you already have.”

The jerk shows no tact. Their purpose isn’t to improve. Instead, they simply express their inability to control their own emotions, usually anger, and then lash out.

If you lead a team, you will become frustrated at times with the performance of team members. You will need to provide feedback and it will often require a direct approach. But know that this is much different than being a jerk. Understand the difference and then use that to create the nuance that results in improvement, not bullying.